I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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