dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
