i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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