you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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