She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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