Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
