My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
