and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i dont even know how to be here
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
