Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
