I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
