he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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