oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
someone owes me an orgasm
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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