I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
