I just pynch a tree in the face
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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