i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
