Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
