Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
