You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
