if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
