I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
