I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
