remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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