I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
