I accidentally had phone sex last night
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
