And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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