i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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