clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
