I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
