Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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