take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
