I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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