what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
