i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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