the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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