Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
our cab driver is having phone sex.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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