i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
