Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
