who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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