I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
