I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
