Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
