My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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