there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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