Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
