I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
