i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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