I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
