I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
