My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
