chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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