I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
