I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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