is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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