You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
what is it with giant penises always finding me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
