I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
